Insomnia

You never know how important sleep is.you think you know,but you really don't.I'm sure your thinking 'pfft that's not true,i love to sleep and i know its important' but I'm not implying that you don't know if its important or not...

Its the degree of importance.

Think you know better than me?try not sleeping for three days and then hit me back.

The air is stale,with the stench of sweat mixed with general lack of human hygiene,forming a humid odour so foul,its a battle to keep the vomit down.

I hate trains.

Its not the rocking,the crowd,the dirt,the noise,etc.that i hate.its the mixture of it all.like a bad dish made by an indifferent hand and left to rot.

I cant sleep.

I close my eyes,praying for a miracle.I'm beyond the point where i hope sleep will come.at this point I'll take a derailing or a stabbing.anything to bring the darkness.everything around me seems to be in constant motion,like an eternal merry go round.I'm trapped in the playground,but that's not too bad.

Probably because you are too.

I play music on my headphones,my quite expensive headphones,trying to find my peace,but nothing seems right.try as i might,i cant find that perfect song,the one that's right.you know like a hot bath after hard work, a cold glass of water on a hot day.

The lips of a love,missed.

The train seems to be groaning,maybe its realised its own pathetic life.going from point A to B its whole life,no room for ambition.but now I'm rambling.who cares about the train and its ambitions.what am i talking about,trains cant have ambitions.why cant they have ambitions?maybe cause they're fuckin inanimate,you dumb piece of shit.

I need to sleep.

My eyes are burning,i can feel the strain on them.deprive yourself of enough sleep and its almost like you're a little stoned.nothing matters,no one matters.push it too far and you can go a little crazy.take me for instance.i want to kill the man sleeping on the lower most bunk.

I feel the bile rising to the back of my throat.

I fight it down,but I've only won the battle.the stench is so strong,i can almost taste it,i die with each breath.the train must be full,filled with villagers returning to the city for work,poor and hungry,probably supporting a host of people and families back home.

Fuck 'em.

I cant stand him.his every breath seems to be amplified and directed at me.i think ill punch him to death or throw him out at an incoming train.

I must try and not enjoy that.

On the bunk opposite to me,there is a girl.its hard to say but shes one of the ugliest women iv seen in my life,and I've seen my fair share.every move she makes sets off an alarm of bangles and a million tiny bells on her skirt.why couldn't she just wear a neon sign that said 'kill me,I'm a virgin',it would hurt me a lot less,and incidentally,her as well.

I cant sleep.

I think the man in the lower most bunker is a likely candidate for the first execution.if you cant stop snoring,get it fixed.there must be a breaking point to a persons resistance to bullshit.a line that shows the point of no return.where the rabbit hole begins...

I cant take it anymore.the stench,the noise,the motion all together is too much for me.i dive headfirst into the rabbit hole.i climb down from my bunk,and wrap my fist with my belt,making sure the buckle is facing out.

I try not to enjoy it.

Finally,a measure of peace.A lot of blood though.my right hand is covered in it,and my shirt is drenched,but my eyes aren't burning anymore.everything recedes as i return to my bunk.

I welcome the darkness.

I wake up to the sudden stop of the brake.everybody is bustling about,after all it is the last stop.bangle girl gets down,sounding like the Angelus bell of a million churches going off together.maybe i should've killed her,i think to myself.that's when i realised the lack of commotion.i want you to understand that i never forgot about the man in the lowermost bunk,i owe my sleep to him.i could never forget him!but the least people can do is care.i mean there's a dead man in your cabin.i look down and i see this chap gathering his belongings nonchalantly.so i guess it was all a dream after all.probably dozed off early last night,and 3 days sleep caught up on me.truth be said,i still feel really tired.

i look down at myself and see my hand covered in blood.my shirt,my neck, my face...all of it.and yet no one notices.i get off the train and onto the platform and still not even a second glance.i must be dreaming.i must still be asleep.this cant be reality.this cant be real.have i lost my mind?i doubt my sanity now,my ability to think rationally.i need to come back to the real word.I'm trapped in this...this dream...this nightmare.

i cant wake up.