Red Letter Day

My opinions are conflicting,no doubt they are conflicting. The faces that I wear are melting,revealing the bare bones within,black with an ivory tinge.

I thought I knew what I wanted,of course what I couldn't have is what I wanted. My desires,always vaunted. I grip so tight that it all slipped through and now I'm haunted by the mistakes that I made along the way,time passed me by but the memories stay. I'm stuck in this room with its white walls and white sheets,white pillows and black sheep. The clock ticks away,it vaunts along mocking me with its monotone song. The sun rises and sets out the window,oblivious to the thoughts that beset.

I'm besides myself with the regret I set like a monochromatic alarm that beeps when I fuck up like a poorly assembled firearm. Discharge from a distance like North Korean ambition,meant to doom me and my world,my world and I,(grammatically incorrect sentences threaten fuck up this rhyme).

 I love how much she hates me,I hate how much I hate me. My thoughts meander like a crack addict coming apart at the seams,her junkie dreams and I'm caught in her slipstream. I draft off her haphazard thoughts with dread,she's all held together by gossamer thread. Tug too hard and she snaps,touch too light and she moans. I'm trapped, wrapped around her legs,for fucks sake. Staring down her one dimensional cunt that never gives,only takes.


My reckoning is beckoning me forward,onward Three Hundred,always forward. I'm drowning but I'm caught mid gasp,my lungs scream for water so death can come fast,my knees buckle under an orgasm that lasts longer than a dry cigarette on a rainy day,a whiskey double on a cold night,you every single waking moment of every single day. My knees buckle and threaten to give out from under me,as you breathe life into me.

Tell me you miss me,tell me you'll call. Lie to me once more so I can prepare myself to fall.

Ravens and Wolves

There she is
standing,glimmering in the sunlight
or is she the sun,lighting up the world around her,
infallible,
unaffected by the morose reality she inhabits
even as the whole world conspires to hurt her,
the sun catches in her eyes,auburn lights
shine as she drowns in lies and promises that were made to break her,
open wounds made to suffer postmortem humiliation
under scrutiny of judgement incarnate,
infallible under unforeseeable circumstances,

the tragedy of Icarus and his wings bear down on the sun
too bright to be reigned over,
hubris over the indomitable no mortal can claim the horizon
here falls Icarus and there she stands,
infallible,
scarred,
and still hopeful that she can find a better tomorrow,
where she is not naked and brandished in streets of hypocrisy,
stoned and jeered by the cross she chooses to bear,
driven mad by her knowledge and perspicacity,
and still choosing to smile through it all,
choosing to believe that the fractured skies will heal one day
and she will find her own happiness on her own terms
or be absolved

Ratchet

I settle into the seat and pause for a moment. The machine is cold and yet familiar,every crevice and peak locked into my memory. The biting cold wind swirls up around me for a moment and I accept its freezing,fleeting touch. The wind reminds me , my jacket left at home. An involuntary shudder ripples through me but my fate is sealed. The idea of going back up to grab it is repulsive to me. I cannot deal with it. I will suffer the cold but I need the escape.

I lift the bike off its stand and the unconscious checklist flows through me, muscle memory guiding my fingers as keys are turned, buttons flicked and fuel taps turned on. It all feels routine, part of the process. I pause for a moment and rest my hands on the handlebar, stretching my fingers out. The touch is familiar, the motorcycle an old lover. Neglected, taken for granted, unappreciated. Just another lover. I set my foot against the lever and depress it slowly, letting all the cogs and gears inside revolve, awaken from their cold reverie.

Settled and satisfied, I bring the lever down once more and with full force, willing the engine to turn over. It sleepily coughs, but dies down. I try again with the same result. An old stubborn lover. I have to coax it to life, cajole it, woo it gently before it gives way to me. The third time it sputters and hesitates but catches all the same. The engine thunders to life, deafening and vehement. The sound reverberates across the empty basement, echoing along the walls, this mechanical chorus that heralds my coming. The rest is a blur as I leave the gray coffin behind me and hit the open road.

At 3 AM, the world is a different place. The streets are as brightly lit as ever while the buildings are dark and gloomy. Move 5 hours in either direction and the hum of concrete reality drowns out the futility of existence. Cars packed in, people milling about. Insignificant specks of life moving towards an inescapably mundane and prosaic doom,urged by society to seek a life that begins and ends as a lie. But right here, at 3 AM, the world succumbs to glorious insanity.

It belongs to the madmen and the dreamers, the rot of existence that gives the rest of you that fake sense of entitlement, of superiority. I cherish the dark night, it's boundlessness, the endless freedom, its innate fear. Even as I twist the throttle harder,driving the bike harder, making it roar fiercely into the cold, I cannot drown out the beating of my own heart as the adrenaline rushes. The cold cuts in as I cut the engine off. The wind whistles in my ears, whispering her secrets and caressing my skin. It dies down as I slow. Now all I hear is the clicking of the wheels before they come to a stop.


My hands are practically numb,but my skin is fire.


I dismount and lean against the frame of the bike,looking around and trying to find my bearings. I've only followed the road and seek to find where it has brought. What a perfect metaphor for life. A perfect accident of thought and action culminating in such a beautiful way of looking at a stupid mistake.

I toy with the lighter,flicking it on and off as I lose myself in my thoughts. I've lost all flavor for cigarettes. Marlboro Red would love to see me dead. I reach for them all the same. It's cold dead kiss offers me no redemption that I never sought in the first place. There is no pleasure,no joy; only the bad habit of a previous life,a younger man. Like haunting memories, I am still bound to it and it to me.I seek from it no salvation I have a right to ask for. But still I find myself reaching for another shade of Red.

I hurt myself everyday,just to remember how much i love her. The clothes she gave me,the keepsakes. The little things. Every street,ever nook and cranny of this city,of my life is a memory; a scar waiting to be ripped open. And I force myself to remember,to reach back through time and conjure up every single detail,every single moment,every single strand of hair fallen on her face.I force myself to remember,because what if I forget. What if i forget this feeling,the tightness across my chest. What if I forget what it feels like? What if I never feel it again.

I have lost all flavor for her. I am bound to her only by the memories of a past life, a younger man. Naive and arrogant. I reach for for her anyway. She is cold death tuned to ash in my mouth. She is thoughtless,selfish and cruel. She offers with her right hand the promise of her love and with the left she takes away all pleasure and joy from me,from my soul. I am bound to her,as she is bound to me. She offers redemption,perfection and happiness. She gives me everything and nothing. She is ash. I find myself reaching for her all the same. She is just another shade of Red.

The glowing ember of my cigarette exposes me,lights me up under the dead sky as I burn,as I inhale. I am caught within the smoky haze of my own despair.Do your Gods bear witness? Do they care? Are they staring down iron sights? Am I condemned? Or do they condone my misery?

I shake my head and break the spell. I will not linger here,neither physically nor mentally. The cigarette slips from my fingers..Scars burn bright under the light of my own self loathing,her hooks dig deeper and drag me back into the abyss at the very thought of her. I mount once more and try to kick the bike to life. Her ghost haunts me,teases and tempts me to despair. But she is only one. All of my past and my mistakes haunt me. I am a collection of regrets and bad decisions. I bear the burden of Legion,harrying me at every turn,threatening to drive me to very depths of my own insanity. The engine refuses to turn over,despite my attempts.

The dam holding back my rage crumbles. I surrender to its mad frenzy,allow myself to be tossed and turned in the waters of this most purest of emotions. I grip the handlebar hard,hard enough to make my knuckles go visibly white even in the pitch dark that surrounds me. I kick the lever randomly and with no regard for the subtleties of its delicate constitution,with no thought for the welfare for this inanimate object that means so much to me. It's like an old lover,and I am abusive and destructive. I feel no affection,only overwhelming hatred and anger that it would deny me so; to stop me from getting what I want from it.

It howls as it comes alive,primal and wounded.

Gears click into place and the throttles drives us as we scream into the gloomy night. The motorcycle roars,the vibrations driving up my arm. My demons give chase as I strive to stay ahead; to not be overcome by the darkness at my heels. In the dim light ahead of me, I never even saw it coming. I hit the rough patch on the road quicker than my mind could register it. My reactions, dulled by the biting cold, give way to instinct. I struggle to control the bike,I feel the rear wheel lose purchase as I try to slam the brakes. I abandon the futile endeavor and try to ride through unscathed at full speed. Another metaphor. I fail to control myself and instead choose to drive towards my destruction head on and at full speed. The mistakes that define the human experience.

I pump the brakes at intervals and steady out. I slow down, I survive unscathed.The steady bass of the bike serenades me in the empty silence of the world. The drunken haze of rage and adrenaline fades away. I linger over what just happened, I let the road take me as I dive head first into myself.

I wash upon the shores of my own consciousness,as wave after wave of tidal disappointment pushes and pulls at me. I let it crash over me,seep into my rusted skin. Welcome to the sandy beaches of my mind,littered with broken syringes and the decaying corpses of my hopes and desires. The putrid stench invigorates me,drives me through this bizarre Hellscape. I face my true self,corrugated and defiled. I am a tapestry of fiction,interwoven with lies and anguish. I am smothered by the perversions I brought upon my righteousness, I am stifled by the infinity of my aberrations. I weave silken gold out of the fucking bullshit that spews forth from me. The putrid stench cannot lie.

I survive,unscathed. For the most part.

The open road. Its infinity of it is seductive. 3.4 million miles of it; broken,fractured and flawed. The cut and bleeding veins of a nation. I am a heartbeat travelling through,one among millions,significantly insignificant.

My hands rest over the handlebars, barely holding on, the steady drum line brings about the illusion of peace. I have found a measure of escape here. Despite my internal carnage, I cannot help but look around and revel in the beauty of life around me. Ignorance is charming. I sneer and look down at the masses of drones that have succeeded at failing in life with contempt in my heart. They can at least find some semblance of happiness within the ignorance. I have only Misery to keep me company, Misery will never leave me. Misery stands over my shoulder at every turn. The weight of disenchantment.

Misery is my final temptress. Cold and thoughtless,but a part of me yearns for her disinterest anyway. I can never go back to ignorance, so I choose to stay here in the throes of Misery. The concept of contentment is terrifying, that I would ever be happy with my position in life. I do not want that, so I find myself reaching for Misery. Or Madness. Why let the world define me and my wants and needs. My grasp on reality is tenuous at best, so why live in fear of acceptance of any sort. So give me Madness. I construct my own world within the dark confines of my mind, my playhouse of terror and fear. The IV drip of depravity feeds my delusions and the endless flow of pussy domination burns into my illusions. I am illustrious,monocle wearing Monopoly man, I am the hyphenated KitKat. I am non existent outside the world of Mandela and omnipresent within it. Let me live my life at 3 AM.

Let my world succumb to Insanity.




"Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair! "




I giggle softly into the quiet air, my audience joins me. The show's nearly over. We'll be right back after these messages. I cackle into the morbid night while my bike softly grumbles. Lights shine from the other side of the road, barreling towards me, calling out. My fate is sealed. The idea of Life is repulsive to me. I lift my hands off my last love and let her guide me home.









“Thus strangely are our souls constructed, and by slight ligaments are we bound to prosperity and ruin.” 

Structured Destruction

freud toyed with idea of cutting the noise in our heads
mothers and boys, attaboy, having sex in a metaphorical bed

drop dead at the idea that your dad could be your girlfriend
bloodshed sincere cus dads reign has got to end

shakespeare had it right when Hamlet had a bite
let fear take flight on this midsummers night

apple of the eye painted with purple dye
fly in the eye when crab-apples are all you can find

caught 22 times thats messing with my piece of mind
one more lie is just gonna make us unwind

mind your step the next ones a doozy,a floozy
the girl sitting right next to me,tells me ive got to read HP

The call is nigh the darkness is creeping by
im left beside all the regrets i left behind

me and my innermost thoughts and desires
open interpretation if you've brought the pliers

and the liars tell me that my hearts still beating
how can that be true when im not feeling

anything can inspire if you're a willing buyer
cash on the table and my soul is for hire

Douche

I know more than I can say

And less than I can prove 

More today 

Than all of tomorrow 

Everything and nothing

When it comes to you

All and more of the same 

I know it all and nothing yet

When there is nothing but you and I 

And everything else makes sense

When I have only you 

I need nothing else

If there's nothing else I know

And one thing I do

I love you more today

Than all of my yesterday

And only a little less than I will tomorrow.

Maybe that isn't enough

And the pieces will fall apart 

But let me make it up to you

With today

Recharge

Fractured

Forgotten

Broken

Despondent

The voices say the same thing as they claw their way back in

A never ending chorus singing songs that reek of sadness

Madness

Is all they seek

And in me

They found it

A never ending carousel, im spinning and hurtling

Through the ways that you led me,the paths that you showed me

The bread trails drying,dying,decaying

I'm lost,too deep in to find my way out again

Seeking for a reason to give this pain meaning
probing for the cause and its all self explanatory
on this exploratory mission
i'm missing the stop sign and this roller coasters barreling
forwards
slow down son,doctors orders

But I'm crawling deeper inside myself and searching for another meaning for life itself

The answers are not what I seek I want the lies to come back and find me

I want my never ending company to never go away

I want all the voices to console and comfort me,I want them to stay

I want to be lost right where you left so you know where to find me

Put me back together so I can cut you up again

Crystal Greed

Here upon this Rock I will burn and I will build
Raze your image,strike it down, for desires never fulfilled
Whorish decadence shall shine the Altar of Submission
Build it and They Will Come
To the Temple of my Ambition

You want to be the concrete that fills all the spaces;
You look down on my greed and dismiss all the races
that we run,pushing and pulling and running everyone down;
The whole in our hearts never filled by the paper crown.

Build a better world,save the green trace.
What do we have left but the wild goose chase?
Build a better world for all the little children
and let them bring it down,let them be the villain.


There was a white flag,draped in Red,
Soaked in blood of millions Dead.
Angry workers raised it up
"Comrades,let us blow it up!"

Burn it down and let it simmer
The yoke is gone but not our anger
No chains left to break or shatter
The fires gone,all's left are Embers

There was a pretty flower in her hair
A pretty girl and her dead eye stare
Love and Peace is all that's left
Love and Peace,we are bereft

This is what we have,this Perfect Imperfection
This chaotic madness that is our affliction
Is it so bad when theres so little to share,
I want every little bit that can be spared?

And more than that I want my greed sated.
My never ending thirst for greatness will remain unabated.
I want the world and will tear everything in my way
fading out is not an option when i can burn away

You see my God Complexity
Only feeds my infamy
Take a closer a look at the train
That's driving right into me



the tracks are rigged and the brakes are failing



my words hold truth but I'm clearly craven



i'm holding on,bare knuckles white



I would rather be dead than not be right.

A Combination of Letters With Meaning

I'm not ready for this
Not ready for these words to come to life
when everything else is lost in strife
am i perfect?not quite
my verses?quite shite.
over and under as the needle flashes
six feet of pity suffocates me as it crashes
over me,under me,swells all around
they said i had a reason that was lost but now its found
they said that i was heresy,i praised the god that was only me
they were blind,they couldnt see,i'm the preacher to the flock of me
a shepherd,a crook,the big bad wolf
the only person i betrayed was lil ol me



I'm not searching for bliss
I wanted an empty piece of mind
where i could leave the world behind
trapped in a sordid reality
with the walls crumbling around me
the weight of it all crushes my body but my mind flows free
and the words make sense
random combination of letters with meaning
i look for words to say what im feeling
but im fumbling in the dark
and no matter where i look its dark
im blind but i could never see
that these syllable voices inside of my head
were just lost memories of a different side of me
a person i knew,i person i missed,all the lights are flashing red
but since he was gone i slipped into his skin,i stitched on a smile and made it nice and wide
stretched from ear to ear,around the head
all the people i fooled
never knew he was dead

am i him or was he me
what never was,can never be

four disconcerting thoughts

Let me breathe fire
Let the world know my shame

Where's the writing on the wall
the ceiling,the floor but the mirror
The mirror shows me for what I am
unreal and opposite,smiling and tame

show me the rhyme
the reason to build
where the artists can file
and the bidding can begin

i tell me to ask why we pretend
is it just a lie or do we really care
we all have our problems,why pity the weak
look,here's another one you can like and share

words with no hate
are words with no meaning
words can buy love
if the price is right,and the bitch is willing

halflife

sharing her demons
savoring my pain
holding her hand and
wiping her stain'd

eyes, and her lies
and her reasons to stay
her torrential denial
my nerves of fray'd

endings are less than they're made out to be
unless your world's burning
unless you're me

Dear Everything

Sweet and tragic respite
My demise and irreverent fall
Weary traveller, hopeful light
Shine bright, consume all.

I am your measured breath
Light and shallow, sharp and sweet
There ever for all the pieces set
As I watch you twirl, delicate, petite.

All I am, is the wailing wind
I disappear at your touch,
I destroy by your word

All I am is the storm and rain
Shouting thunder
Whirling pain

I am her sweet respite,
She is my tragic fall.
I am the fading light,
She is my end, she is my all.

Articulate Thoughts

There is no Truth, without Fire,
There is no Death, without Pain.
There is no World, without Misery,
There is no Freedom, without its Chains.

Lies and Reflection

there's something in the closet






In the flickering light, the chaos was hard not to appreciate. The sheer ferocity of the damage around him was perfect in its devastating beauty. Cracked mirrors cackled from within its myriad of horrifying images. Amongst the roaring, tumbling sea of destruction, a man sat in the relative safe harbor of a wooden chair. He cradled his shotgun, even as the blood rolling down his wrist stained the trigger a drying red.


As he huddled over, his broad shoulders trembled and shook as he whimpered and wept, but no sound escaped his lips and his eyes ran dry.


He wept, all the same.






I quietly knocked as I slipped open the door. My smile, replaced by a frown as I saw her crying quietly into her pillow. I rushed to her side, stepping over dolls with vacant smiles and stuffed animals with dead eyes. She sobbed even as I put my arms around her and told her that I would never let anything happen to her.






LIAR!

The fell stench filled the air again now. He jerked out of his reverie as the air grew dank,as he felt the cold enter his bones again.






Her tiny frame trembled in my arms as her tears were soaked by my shirt. I felt the fear only a parent could feel for a threatened child, as my heart pounded in my chest, as I sought to find what would scare her like this, what would steal her smile and sow disharmony in its place. No matter what I did, I couldn't bring her back to me, I couldn't find my little girl, in the middle of her own room, in the bed she slept. I wasn't a good father, I knew that. I drank too much and too often. Sometimes I came home and brought my own frustrations and anger to bear upon my family. Sometimes ,in the murky waters of my mind, I drowned. Sometimes I swung before I could think. There had been some bad nights. But for the life of me, I loved my family.


I picked a strand of hair off of her forehead, even as the sweat clung on to it, and wiped eyes dry. I told her how much I loved her, how I would never let anyone hurt her.

Finally she lifted her arm and pointed a trembling finger.

There's something in the closet, she said.

I laughed out loud as I felt the hold on my heart being lifted. Even the irrational can be justified in the mind of a child, as long the spark of terror existed. A spark that can stoke the fire. But even as my voice filled the air, there was something lurking underneath it. An emptiness. I had almost laughed a little too loud, almost as if I was trying to convince myself. I tossed her on the bed in mock rage and strode to the door, determined to prove her wrong.

Each step got heavier, as I dragged my feet to the door. The smile on my face seemed blank, etched on my some macabre artist. But I wore it still, like I would a mask at a party. It wasn't mine, it didn't belong to me. I wore it all the same. The icy grip sneaked its way in, caressing ever so lightly, a lovers touch. As the tips of my fingers touched the slightly cold handle, I paused for a moment. I hesitated, as I saw how much my hands were trembling, how afraid I really was. Was it really that crazy? Schrödinger's cat could be alive and dead at the same time, but worse still, it might not be there at all. Was it really that insane to let whatever fear she had, whatever she thought was hiding behind this door, to let it fester inside by itself, undisturbed, rather than let it out and face the consequences?

What was wrong with me?

I grabbed the handle and pulled it open with so much force, the door almost came off the hinges. The flotsam of every childs closet awaited me, clothes, toys,books and miscellaneous nothings. I pretended to ruffle around through her belongings as common sense took over me and I called out to her.



See! Nothing in here except your own imagination!



The cold, high laugh of a child rung out around the room...


Mocking.


Terrifying.


I spun around to look at her, only to see no smile on her face. No smile at all. Fear and horror, as she raised a finger again, at the door, at the mirror on the inside of the door. I faced the mirror and the version of myself staring back at me, smiling at me in the most unnatural fashion. I watched in horror as the smile widened, and then kept on widening, till it spread from ear to ear, like a caricature, like a fairytale animal, like no human at all. There was not a trace of humanity in that smile.

The door slammed against me with blinding force, and as I was thrown off my feet, her screams filled the air. And I watched as it rushed to her, grabbed her, snapped her tiny neck.

As it ran from room to room, a rushing force, dragging behind and destroying everything in its path, like a possessed gale. Hands around my wife's neck and staring as the life ebbed out of her eyes. Stabbing my teenage son till his blood soaked the walls and the floor and the very foundations of our house.



I watched.




And I screamed.

A light tap, almost as if to not wake the occupants inside the house. A gentle and courteous knock.


The man jumped to his feet, fear scarring his face. He brought the barrel of the gun to bear on the door.


He opened his mouth to ask who was out there, but he already knew.


The tapping had been replaced by dull thuds now. The window panes began to rattle in earnest, joining in and forming a symphony of destructive sounds. With each beat, the sound of the door being beaten down grew louder and louder, as time drew to a close.


He slipped his shoes off, sat back in the chair and looked around his home, at the blood of his family splattered all around and over him. He cocked the gun and placed the butt on the ground. The banging grew louder, the very earth around him shook now. Whatever little of the house and its contents remained intact, prepared to break now. He placed the barrel in his mouth and slipped his over the trigger. The cold, wet feel of blood on his bare foot sent a shudder through him.


There was almost no fear, there was only the quiet between each bang. A quite that lasted only a moment, and an infinity. Peace in the chaos.


The door shattered in front of him, debris flying across the room.






there's something in the closet





The fear was back. As he watched the figure lurking in the darkness beyond step into the flickering radiance of his devastated home. As he watched himself smile.


The glory of a childs imagination. The fear of reality, of an abusive father.






nothing in here except your own imagination






That's all it took.

Days Inn Hotel (Rough Diamond)

                        Desire                               
               Beautiful, Sweet
       Yearning, Hoping, Clawing
Pulls you in Close, Leaves you Wanting
       Falling, Breaking, Drowning
               Disfigured, Bitter                        
                        Despair                            

Attrition

Crash over stained black edges
Foaming rage,unleashed fury.
March and charge,fall back and rally
the battle rages,evermore

Solid and immovable,tall and dark
Rock hewn  from rock
Stand guard,stand tall
Solid and immovable,forevermore

Crash over black stained edges
Seeping cracks,weeping faults
Shape and shift even rock
Days beginning and days end,evermore

Jagged edges crumbled by smothering embrace
Rock and stone and dust gives way
Foaming rage,Unleashed fury
Rallies and crashes,Forevermore

Then Before,Now Once More

She is there,now.

She is always there.

My damnation.


My own screams fill the air,as I wake up.


Sealed.


Trapped.


Death is only the beginning.


I am in soil.

I am in dust.


I inhale my own decay as I watch myself shrivel and dissipate.


Years.Centuries?

An Age.


I am Mourned.

I am Remembered.

I am Faded Memory.

I am Nothing.


*************************************************

I have stumbled upon something.

By true accident or by the machinations of the Gods,I have discovered something truly magnificent,


No,not the the Gods.This is their most terrible secret,their greatest strength.


Older.


In all my years,I have never seen such Magik.This tomb reeks of it,the very air is heavy with it.


The laborers are all dead.They had to be silenced.There was too much at stake.

It is only Adrienne and I now,she is my only companion,through the final steps of this journey.And a finer companion,there is none.In the outside world,we draw enough Magik from the earth for cheap tricks and conjure tiny flickers of flame from our finger tips.Here we are able to apply the old and Ancient schools,not just the elemental.

Already she is channeling it better than I.She managed to trap the workers in the anti chamber,sealed the doorway shut.


Graveyards always had more Magik in them,the departed life force seeped into the earth and festered there,but not enough,never enough.


But we found a way to get more, an unlimited amount.She taught me how,using the Magik in the tomb,we probed inside the anti chamber with our minds.And inside,in our melded conscious,we felt the floating tendril of a soul.We tugged,slowly and lightly,for that was all we could muster.

We tugged and it unraveled.

O What a feeling!The surge of energy,the power!We consumed it and were drunk on its infinite power!


We didnt need any form of sustenance for months!We grew fat in our aura,in the other plane.


But even as we grew in power,our bodies were failing us.Years had passed,Time showed us no mercy.


We turned to a dangerous path.


An older school.


Deep in the tomb,in the darkest corner,it came to me.Hidden within its walls.


Knowledge.


We would reach into the Veil,and bind Death to our will.


The preparations are complete.


*************************************************


It is done.

The arcane ritual thrust into the emptiness of the Veil and bound death in its physical form,powerless and enslaved.


It took the form of a little girl,no more than eight or nine.Skin like porcelain,midnight hair.But her eyes were old and deep,dark with malice.

We told her the cost of her freedom and she laughed,high and screeching,it carried into the deep of the tomb and deep into my heart.I felt it clasp me and I felt true fear.

But she agreed,at the cost of a sacrifice.

Adrienne turned to me to speak,and I slit her through with my silver dagger. Her blood sprayed across the floor as she crumpled onto the ground.

Death laughed once more,she flickered and faded into the darkness.


A voice boomed in the darkness


"DEATH IS ONLY THE BEGINNING"


I have been deceived.


*************************************************


It has been six and twenty years since that dark night.My time is coming to an end.I used my power to gain favor and money and women,but it has cost me much.

The mob gathers outside,they have heard much of things I have had to do to maintain my power.So many sacrificed.

Once I left the tomb,the Magik drained quickly.I was addicted to it,so I tried to get more.

Like a candle sputtering to the dark,I am Empty.

Death is only the beginning.

I will face her one last time.


I used the last of it.A dark,unnatural storm brewed outside.

I reached back into the Veil and cast upon this mortal plane,the Shadow of Death.

I wanted to laugh at her one last time,remind her that a mere mortal had such power over her.


The Ritual Circle flickered to life,as the Kings Men were banging at the door.


It burst open and I turned to see them charg at me.


I looked back to mock Death before she claimed me.


My own screams filled the room as I stared at her.Even as the axes and swords hacked and slashed at my mortal flesh,I couldn't take my eyes of her.


Adrienne.


*************************************************


My own screams fill the air,as I wake up.


I have conquered Death.


I am more than Mortal.


I am a Damned God.





She is there,now.

She is always there.











My damnation.

Of Mortals and Gods Part II - Fury and Hellfire

Solid ground.

There was nothing more important in a fight, in a battle.

Solid ground...


It had been a few days since the last rain, but the sky was overcast now. My armor lay on the ground, I was in leather and a breastplate. I was quicker than most, my blade was lighter and shorter, allowing for quick short strikes.

My brother was covered in steel,his axe glistening in the dying light.

He already looked tired.

But he was a beast,a man born for days like today. A swing of his axe,the smell of blood and the monster inside him would rise and wreak havoc.

We needed that monster today.

There were six of us, among these dark hills. We were not soldiers, like the legions we had fought. We were warriors, fortune seekers. We sought fame and glory, to etch our names eternal.


Not today.


Would it rain?That giant oaf would get bogged down and drown in the mud if it rained. Fool, to wear such armor on this day.

I slipped my dagger into its sheath, as the wind gathered pace.Thunder rolled and rumbled as the cauldron threatened to tip over and spill it's fell contents on us all.

There was no glory to be found today. We were a footnote in history, an inconsequential moment beyond the lives of its witnesses. 

The World was rebelling against this unholy moment.


I stole a glance at cavern we were facing and its infinite darkness.The mouth was large enough for three man to stand. That, of course, didn't mean anything.We were not facing men.


The sun was dying, the last of its light leaking away into the dark.


And when it disappears over the crest of the horizon, it would be reborn behind the Veil.


Twilight. 

The haunting dark approaches, the porous nature of the hour exposes the worlds beyond for a moment too long.


Today, when the sun sets, the Daemons will send their most foul to this plane. What would happen if we lost?What were we fighting for?The Gods had decided for us, they had made the pact and sent us here to kill or die.

Tough armor,tough to kill.The most damned amongst men were granted eternal bloodlust in service of the Shadow.


Daemon or not, they bleed all the same.

They die,just as much.


I stood up, and the rest of them followed.It was nearly time, we could smell it in the air.The oaf had dumped most of his armor now, he had gone with just the shield instead. He glanced at me and gave me his lopsided, stupid smile.


I drew my sword and my dagger.I faced the cavern, with the sun to my back. The last of its fading light blew its red kiss over the horizon as a purple flash of lightning cut through the sky and the first of the rain pattered against the steel of my armor.



A flash of blue light and everything stops. I cannot move. The world is suspended.The lightning still rips across the sky,like the scar left by a wild beast,a ghostly hand reaching across the dark luminescent sky.The rain is hanging all around us,almost like it is teasing me to reach out and touch it,always beyond my reach.The entire world bathes in a dark blue light.Ahead of me,just beyond the mountain,the sun has begun to rise.Or atleast a dark blue incarnation of it.In our world it inspires happiness and joy,here it was only despair and the ripe smell of fear all around us.Far away,in the distance,a smoky Specter stands watching us.As I stare,I feel a million voices screaming inside my head,even in the dead of this world around.I cannot look away,I cannot break his Gaze.He is in me,He has taken a piece of my soul,ripped it away,corrupted it. I feel his presence clawing it's way into my brain,digging into my very essence. The screams are getting louder and louder.



I cannot break free.

I am trapped inside his hollow eyes, dark and speckled with pricks of light within the infinite darkness, like the night sky. It draws me in deeper, this empty constellation. In my heart, within the last confines of my own will, I know this to be no daemon. This is an older, more malevolent Evil.

Nameless.

Faceless.

We are doomed.

Another flash of light, and as quickly as we were taken, we were ripped away from the spell. My knees gave out from under and I heaved and retched as I tried to clear my head.The others around me were equally staggered but had begun to rise.We were back at the foot of the mountain.

The rain fell, without skipping a beat, and the smell of wet dirt filled my lungs.But underneath it was the dry taste of rotting flesh.


The darkness of the cavern was shifting with shapes.


They were leering, smoldering.


I planted my blade in the ground and rose to my feet.I drew it, and flicked the speckled mud off the end. My brother stepped forward and roared a fearsome and guttural cry of battle.He roared as the beast inside him took his body for its own.

Havoc.

The wind carried the sound of deep, dry laughter towards us from the Mouth.


They roared, as only Death could, as they ran towards.


Shadows.


Tall, dark shadows.


Monstrous, hulking beasts wearing black armor, wielding red blades in the night.


My feet pounded wet dirt as I faced my foe.


He came at me with Fury and Hellfire.


I feinted left and as he swung his hammer, I dove to the right.I rolled off the ground and stood low, with dagger holding the low guard and my sword the high. It spun around...

(Quick but ungainly.Momentum carries it off balance.Commit and attack)

...and followed with hard strikes from above.I side stepped and deflected,rather than keep my sword parallel to the ground and risk it shattering under the weight of these heavy blows.I stayed just out of reach,but it didnt tire or falter.They had no technique,relying on brute force,speed and ferocity.These traits had served them well so far.

The battle raged on around. Every now and then, from the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of red and black barreling with speed, or the flash of steel swinging in the rain. I closed myself off from it all, and focused on the monster in front of me.I felt good, quicker and stronger than usual. I was confident and surefooted in the rain as this heavy beast was getting dragged down into the mud.I had defeated him hours ago, when I made the decision to forsake my armor for speed.

It hacked and slashed and drew its great sword above its head to cleave my body in two, I jumped inside its defense, leading with my sword into its chest and followed with my dagger into the side of its neck.I pushed with all my might, even as my feet slipped in the mud, but some form of twisted, dark farce of life still hung inside its body, in its red eyes.I twisted both blades and tore them out of the side of the Hound, pouring its shadowy innards onto the green grass.


I looked up in time to see one of the Daemons crush the head of a man, helmet and all.There were four of them left and only three of us.My brother was still standing,and by the state of him I assumed he was facing his second foe.Two of them bore down on me, weary and cautious.They were trying to flank me.The last man was known to me.A good and honorable warrior, and a damn good fighter.One of his arms seemed broken and he had a large gash on his leg.He looked around in a daze and his eyes strayed upon me.He was too far for me to help him, and a Daemon was looking to finish him off.


He threw his shield onto the ground, his sword too.He backed away, slowly, towards his knapsack and pulled out a crossbow.The bolt struck the monster in the leg and it fell to its knees.The man ran at it with speed, despite the leg, but he ran only straight into the long sword of his enemy.With sword clean through his belly, a deep roar the Gods must've heard high in their Towers, he pulled out two small curved daggers from his belt and stabbed at his enemy's exposed neck until both collapsed onto each other.


They were almost on me,as I backed away,looking for a favorable position to fight from.The oaf mustve seen my predicament,and with a great blow he knocked his back,and instead of finishing him off,raced to join me.

The Hounds held off, they had the upper hand.They waited for their remaining companion to join them and kept circling us.My brother and I stood back to back, as we had done as children.I sheathed my dagger and picked up a dropped wooden shield.The blood of its previous owner was still being washed away by the rain.The fight had taken us away from the Cavern itself.We were among the rolling hills now, the grass less trampled here.


As the lightning flashed above us, I could almost see their scarred and beaten faces, their bodies tighten, their claws clench at their weapons as they planted their feet into the ground and prepared to strike.It was when the thunder began its deafening roar that they pushed off against the ground and brought their deadly weapons to bear.


Fury and Hellfire.



I had no speed,with my brother against me,but we fought as one.Parrying and striking as we were taught to as children,using each others as much we used our own own weapons.They swirled around us in a cloud of dark smoke and red flame and struck again and again without relenting.A fight of attrition as they tried beat us into the ground.We held them off,though most of it was a blur.I caught a glimpse of my brothers axe striking a Hound and bringing it down and suddenly the smoke began to clear.I cut one its hands off but it didnt seem to feel any pain and gave no respite,even as one of its swords crashed to the ground.It tried to plung it's sword into my chest,even as I stepped aside and manage to trap his remaining arm between my shield and body. I am face to face with him,close enough to my death to smell it emanating from him.The Daemon tries to rip my throat out with its teeth,but I slammed the shield into its mouth with free hands,and as it bit down,I slit its throat.

My brother stumbled and leaned forward,and I fell back as his support gave away.I rolled off his back and onto my feet and without a backward glance or a break in my step,I charged at the last remaining Hellspawn.

Quick,hard and short strikes.They hurt it but didnt bring it down.It grabbed at my shield and trapped me within its reach and brought down its sword in a long and powerful arc.I brought my sword upto protect myself,but the blow shattered it into so many fragments,I felt the power of the strike up into my arm,all the way to my neck and fell to my knees.

I stabbed at its foot and slashed its leg and sprang up as it let go of my shield.I spun around and with all my might I brought the shield around in a tight arc and smashed it to bits against the bowed head of the Hound.As it stumbled,I picked up my brothers fallen axe and brought it down on the Daemons head,splitting it in two.

As the last of them fell, the remains of the Hounds disappeared into shadow and seeped into the ground, forever staining it.


I rushed to my brother,glad to see him still alive.A flesh wound,something that shouldve been covered by his great big armor.I knelt down in front of him and smiled as he laughed.


I then pull out my dagger from its sheathe and bring it to bear down upon his skull, axe begins to hack his head off.


I scream loudly but my lips don't move.The noise is all inside my own head.I feel them curl up into a smile as the blows of the axe jarring against the bone reverberates up my arm.


As the head of my beloved brother is finally freed from his lifeless body, I raise it above my head and let the splatter of blood bathe me.


I am screaming and weeping and raging all at once but all I feel is the curl of my lips.


My head moves and my eyes fall on the still shiny breastplate of my fallen brother and as the lightening lit the world around me, I catch a glimpse of my own facing smiling maniacally up towards me.


Except in my eyes, I saw the Gaze of something older and far more dangerous than any Mortal or God.


Dead eyes,sparked with Fury and Hellfire.


Even Daemons have their Gods.


The face in the reflection mouths a Name.

Havoc.

Frontier

The dim quiet was haunting.

In the distance,the noise of a structure crumbling to the ground rumbled,traveled through the deserted megacity of Tretophysis. Most of the public had been evacuated 3 months ago,the remaining had stopped screaming a few weeks ago.

Caught in the crossfire,casualties of war.

The Federation claimed that they were fighting for the people,for democracy.Yet their guns killed civilians just as well as ours.

Democracy.A failed idea,from a fallen civilization.


The artillery fire had stopped.The Fleet had engaged the Federation frigates yesterday,caught them in the gravity of the planet,cut off their retreat.

We were ill prepared.

We didnt understand our enemy.We were fighting for a man and his throne.They were fighting for an idea.

I stepped out of the Forward Command Post.The dry wind swirled around me.All around,infantry men milled about.My armor was stifling.The sweat from my forehead stung my eyes.A single shuttle purred to life at the center of base camp,bulky and ungainly.

My staff stood behind me,quiet and resolute.The plans had been drawn up already for our last action in this forsaken planet.So much blood spilled for so little.This rock had no tactical value,no resources. Yet,here we were.

We came in with a battlecruiser,the IFS Harbinger, and a fighter escort.The planetary shield was sabotaged,brought down quickly and with almost no resistance. A fighter squadron tried to put up a defense but the Harbinger secondary battery made quick work of it.We turned the ships main artillery on the only city and followed it with a bomb run with fighters.We docked at the space port itself with no problems,took it from a handful of fighters and then began deploying troops to the surface in Mark II gunships. I was in the second wave,at the orders of Commander Wilson,as he stayed behind in the CIC to coordinate the attack.At 60% deployment,the space port simply exploded,along with the entire crew of the Harbinger and most of the Command staff.We had 2000 men,some artillery pieces,most of the armored divisions and a handful of gunships.The fighter squadron was engaged by the Federation Navy soon after.A foolhardy squadron leader thought 16 Delta fighters,4 Mark III gunships and 4 Merka Class bombers could take on 3 Federation frigates.

No air cover,no artillery,no supply lines.

We got the force field up and set up our camp and defenses around it.They couldnt get their ships artillery to break through,so they started sending down infantry divisions.We tried to take out their landing crafts but we just didnt have the firepower.We set up a defensive perimeter along our lines,prepared to soak up the pressure.We were trained Imperial soldiers.Veterans of the Xyphoran Invasion wars and insurgencies from the farthest reaches of the nation.We were battle hardened,we had superior arms,tactics and training.With no Commanding Officer,I took over the preparations.We were up against a ragtag militia,with outdated armored divisions.We would persevere.

But they were fighting for an idea.

They sent wave after wave,and we sent them back again and again.We lost 4 tanks and accompanying infantry companies because of an overzealous tank commander decided to counter attack and was cut off,enveloped and destroyed.We had to stay on the defensive,we had to hold them off until the Fleet arrived.They had no fighters,so we had some semblance of air superiority.We used our few gunships,coupled with our armored divisions to hold the stalemate.

We were no match for their overwhelming numbers.

They sent wave after wave,concentrating all their men and machines at 2 points in our lines.As the days passed,our gunships were felled and the stalemate began to crumble.A few hours before Fleet arrived,the patched up force field gave out.The shelling broke our lines and I pulled everything back.Ammunition was almost over.Most of the tanks were smoldering piles of metal while almost all the mech suits had powered down. We used jammers to hide our position from the Federation ships,the firing had been erratic and wild.

The Fleet came,but with the lone battlecruiser.They Holo'd me,told me that Command had made things clear.No Imperial soldier could retreat from a battle,no Imperial soldier could surrender.Wars were won with morale,the Federation had planned this annihilation to recruit other planets to their cause.The Imperial Command would rather see us all die than let the Galaxy know that we would give up.We would become legends and names to rally behind.They would recruit millions in the face of this cruelty by the Federation forces.

The casualties of war.

They were calling me back to be debriefed.The benefits of command.

A Staff Sergeant passed out swords to the men.The scouts had reported the enemy massing 2 clicks south. My plan called for a final charge.Get close and in the middle of them,where their guns would be too dangerous to fire.Take as many of them down with you.

A plan tailored for failure.It seemed perfect.All my other plans had failed,this one was meant to.

A pity I couldn't die with them.


The pilot ignited the repulsor engines.I shook hands with my staff,but I couldnt meet their gaze.The men stopped and stared as I entered the shuttle.Engined whined as it shuddered off the ground.I looked down at my feet as it pitched and began its ascent.

In the distance behind me,the screams of a thousand men.

The casualties of war.

Blue

There's alot in this world that we will never truly understand.

Our imagination will always be beyond the reach of our ability to rationalize . We still believe that a some ethereal being controls the universe around us and rewards good behavior while damning those who do wrong in the next life. But there is nothing stopping the bombs and the killing and the raping we see around us right now.Justice is deferred till its convenient for the Big Man. 

Yet we constantly strive to find the logic in the wonder around us. The magic that has faded away,what was once so pure in our youth,replaced by science and sleight of hand.

But there is still strangeness in the world around us,little pockets of wonder that some stumble upon,every now and then.

Thing is, not all of it is good. Sometimes,things hidden in the dark are supposed to stay that way.

Maybe thats what happened to me.

In the cold,rolling hills of Ooty.

I was young,not more than 7 or 8,yet I remember all of it,just like it was yesterday.

Driving down a narrow road,a remnant of the Raj. It was strange there,a distant silence was all around us. We all fell quiet of our own accord.The mist gathered around us in a tight embrace,holding us closer to its chilly bosom.

The trees seemed darker here,gathered along the sides of the road,flanking us in a form of macabre guard of honor. What started off as late afternoon fell quickly into twilight,the orange warmth of the sun replaced by the blue tinge of nothing. 

Its not the pitch dark we should fear. Darkness can be driven away by light and the Moon constantly stands watch over us,through even the darkest cloud. Twilight is where evil breeds,when our worlds share a moment with the worlds beyond the Veil.

Soon,but not soon enough.We were out of it.We were leaving the trees behind.The mist started to clear. A tinkle of laughter,and conversation resumed. A shadow of a smile crept across my face. What had I been so afraid of?

I stole a glance back,on my knees on the backseat,peering through the rear window.

And the image burned into my memory.

From every tree,every branch.

They were everywhere.

Hanging,swaying in the dead wind.

Eyes rolled into heads,only the whites on their petrified faces.

Sagging flesh,grey and blue.

Mouths wide open.And inside,only darkness.

A hundred? Maybe more.

Men,women and children,hung by the neck.

Keeping an eternal watch over the road.

My father later told me that there had been a small uprising in the area once,the tiny ones you never really heard about back then. It clearly had been dealt with.

I stumbled on something that day.I found something in the dark. I opened a door. I wonder if ever closed it that day.I wonder if I brought something back. I wonder if when I looked back,I reached through the Veil and touched on something old,something ancient.

Maybe...

Even as I write this down,she tells me to stop.She tells me I've said enough.She reaches over my shoulder and drags my hands away. Her touch is cold.

Her hair floats in the stillness around her. Fatigue overcomes me. She tells me I shouldn't have written all of this down. That I've said too much. That the dark belongs to them,not to us. I've angered her.I can see it in her eyes. She tells me what to do.

She tells me she loves me.

I can barely keep myself awake.

 She says I'll be with her soon.

 I cant wait.

Regret

This my last emotion
This is all I have

I have laid it at your feet
I have spent it getting to you
Reaching out to you
Calling out your name
As the waves of Disappointment crash over me
Around me

This is my last emotion
I have no more to give
Tears hang suspended
Words caught in my throat
So much you need to know
Before its too late

Cogs and wheels,spent time
Days devoured,empty hours
I spent to much in the last straight
I felt I had but one chance
That only meant i was ever going to be too late

This is my last emotion
It is mine.
Mine to cherish,to hold ,to bury
There will be no more for you to take away
There is no more for me to give.

I have my Regret,
You have your Satisfaction.