"Man, that was too fucking close."
He reached into his pocket and pulled out the wad of cash. As he counted the bills, what he had just done struck him with adrenaline fueled clarity. He had broken into the store, knifed the clerk and sacked the till, and for what? 30 bucks?. He had crossed the line, or more precisely run screaming and yelling past it for about a mile before taking a look around.
"Holy Shit."
His body told him to run, to succumb to the most primal of all instincts. To flee.
And so he ran, his heart thudding in his chest, disregarding his previous exhaustion. His mind raced as frantically as his body, seeking answers through the panic-ridden haze his thoughts had become. "I killed someone! I friggin killed someone! What the goddamn hell was I thinking?"
Even as he asked this question, the answer came to him.
" I needed it. "
All questions, of morality, or otherwise, resolved themselves. He had needed it, that was all. All that really mattered anyway. With that, he stopped running, and caught his breath. He turned, and moved with strides purposeful, no longer panicked.
He knew where he had to go now.
----An eternity later----
He leaned back. and blew out. The smoke rushed from his lungs and he smiled through the haze that ecstasy could not begin to describe. He looked at the emptied syringe lying next to his hand.
He kept on looking. He raised his hands in front of his face, and the sight and sound of dried blood suddenly rushed at him. His chest seized, and out of the mire a thought came to him.
"Was it worth it?"
And just like that, the blood staining his hands disappeared, and he relaxed as the high took over once more, stealing away whatever chance he had.
Through the slur of his thoughts, just one emerged, and crystallized, as clear as day.
"Totally."
He raised the cigarette to his lips and breathed in once more.
I really liked this one, sai
ReplyDeleteI love the way it say so much in so few words...!
ReplyDeleteIt's a discomfiting piece. Makes you uncomfortable one more than one level. It's strength is that it's written well; the progression is easy and smooth.
ReplyDeleteWhat doesn't work for me, although, is the cliches. It needs a freshers set of words and images to make it a truly strong piece. Also, it is a little self-conscious. I am not sure someone who kills actually thinks, ""I killed someone! I friggin killed someone! What the goddamn hell was I thinking..." I could be wrong. But I honestly don't think that would be the thought process. Which is why I believe we need to write what we know.
I really liked this though. Keep writing.
On the off chance you actually look at this again.
ReplyDeleteI know that writing for me comes easily, getting a story to flow is not much of a problem. But as you say the actual content is...um...."Cliched" *blushes*...
What do you mean when you say newer images or fresher words? Should the reader be struck by my unfamiliar usage or should these words sink in to join with the greater whole?
And it is meant to be discomfiting, I've never met anyone who'd really feel warm and cuddly at the thought of committing murder for drugs.
Thank God for that eh?
well....its a pretty plausible thought process.....if u do something like killing someone....repeating it to urself....to let it sink in.
ReplyDeleteor maybe its just my J.D like tendencies to talk to myself.
oh well...
P.S Lubna. theres a point to pen names. 0.0
Why would I not come back to this Ishmael?
ReplyDeleteI mean the discomfiture as a compliment. It means you were successful with what you were doing.
And about fresher images and words -- because I follow your blog and have a keen interest in writing I will read what you write. But the point of writing should also be to be memorable, to be as impactful as you can be. With a fresher set of images, you'd have made me feel not just uncomfortable, but down right restless and pained. You didn't. And that's because you chose to be lazy in your writing -- pardon me for saying this, i don't mean it offensively at all -- and stick with stuff that comes easily to you, stuff that I've read before.
Again, I liked this piece.
Hmmmm....I feel a Yoda like voice within me saying "The force is strong in this one".
ReplyDeleteI think I'm rather inclined to take your advice.
If it'll help me then as Buzz Lightyear said " To Infinity and Beyond!", and all that.
P.S-Forgive me for going overboard on the fictional character references.
dude. yoda is zeros thing. dont take that away from him.
ReplyDeleteand i agree with quills last comment. ther r parts wen i actually felt an urge to change some of the sentences into a diff construction that wuda nailed it. cuz the piece is good. but the point that u put across has potential to show a much grittier perspective. u only showed a fast run through of the grime.u cuda made it much more.
ReplyDeletebut good job neways. very impressed with ur improvement.
So Zero has a tiny, wrinkled green thing?
ReplyDeleteHe can keep it.
:) I don't want to think what I said was advice. Suggestion, perhaps. Or understanding the process of writing -- from one writer to another. In case I didn't make it clear, all of you are very, very good.
ReplyDeleteAnd about the fictional references-- at least you show taste (Yoda and Buzz Lightyear). Imagine if you'd referred to Harry Potter (as much as I like the books) and Johnny Bravo.
hey therrree...MAMMA!
ReplyDeleteAre you talking to me?
ReplyDeletelol ...no...was simply quoting Johnny Bravo...:P
ReplyDeleteZero also has the force which can blast you into a million pieces. Watch your mouth Ishmael.
ReplyDelete