He stood underneath a gibbous moon, it's sickly light casting a ghoulish pallor on all it touched. The night seemed gray and dead, all vitae drained. Everything that was good and pure, turned defiled and unholy.
He looked up at the stars and raised the knife in his hand in a sardonic salute to them. The deathly half light seemed appropriate. He breathed in.
It was time.
He walked across the lawn, brown and dying, to the the front door of a house in ill-repair. He opened the door and his eyes took in the darkness and the crossed the floor to the stairs.
His eyes drifted to the portraits he knew hung on the walls. He did not pause as he ascended, but his fingers ran themselves over moments of time captured and crystallized from a life that seemed as distant and dead as the moon did tonight.
He set his feet on the landing and before he turned, he looked for one last time at the life he had known. After he walked on, he did not look back.
He walked in a room , the walls patterned with clouds and barnyard animals, painted a faded sky blue. He looked down at the occupants. A woman, haggard from a life of hardship, her face prematurely lined. At her side were two children. Twins, beautiful in their symmetry and their youth, purity embodied. One of them stirred and opened her eyes. She looked at him through the veil of sleep, confusion in her eyes, emerald green in hue.
"Daddy?"
"Shhh honey, Daddy's here."
"I can't sleep."
He reached over and smoothed her tousled golden locks.
"Hush little baby don't you cry,
Daddy's gonna make it all okay,
And even if he couldn't buy you that diamond ring,
Daddy's gonna take away all your pain."
As his lasts words faded into silence, she closed her eyes and turned over.
He looked then, upon his family, for the last time, drinking them in. He inhaled, and raised his knife.
And then the killing began.
why u do dis..sigh*
ReplyDelete*facepalm*
ReplyDeleteand totally echoing the empath.
you're just saying that cuz this is anonymous. i don't see you saying that to your empath friend, because he's full of constructive criticism here i suppose?
ReplyDeleteOkay since you asked for it-
1. It's very very well written, no doubt about that, but man this is just too predictable.
2. Seriously, proof-read your pieces before you post them up in a public forum. This is loaded with grammatical mistakes and no, it's not a minor error. It effectively diminishes some of the effects you are trying to illustrate here.
3. Try your hand at some other kind of plots because you write well, but your story just fails.
if you could just not assume straightaway that i'm here to rain on your parade, you would benefit from the suggestions.
ok. man please dont "echo" me. it feel insulted then.
ReplyDeleteplease.
ok man hold it. i gave him constructive criticism for this piece in person. so thats why he didnt respond to that. and secondly. cut us some slack cuz weve been getting a whole barrage of rain on our parade from a whole buncha "anonymous" dudes...so u cant blame us if were irritated with the slightest sign of a pointless comment.
ReplyDeletebut ur second comment wasnt as pointless. try starting with that.
I know I am late to the party but I've been busy being fabulous. But Ishmael, dearest, don't do stories like this, man.
ReplyDeleteFor one, I have little kids and anything violent to do with little kids really hurts.
Secondly, this is a tired story.
Third, I don't see the "loads" of grammatical errors that Anon here talked about. Typos, yes, grammar killing, no.
Tell me why you wrote this.