Monday, June 20, 2016

Profound Poignance

You'd think by now I'd have a fair idea how this worked. How life worked. How love worked. How people worked. You'd think by now I'd have figured out what to do. Or what not to.

I feel like I regret everything I've done to this point. It's mighty empowering being this poignant. It feels good recognizing this shitty person, I've always known I've been. It feels good accepting this shitty life, I've always known I've lived.

For someone who has conflicting thoughts on most subjects, my mind has calmly accepted the obvious existential crisis it's putting itself through, without the slightest argument. It went 'Oh! Are we doing this now? Alright then. Let's list out everything about your life you regret.' I can feel myself nodding involuntarily each time I recollect a mistake I've made. For someone who has self-diagnosed attention disorder, my mind seems to be incredibly focused on this particular task it's undertaken without the slightest recollection of the times it has failed me. It's awfully simple reflecting on who you are when you have nothing else to occupy your mind. Picture a continuous barrage of missiles with no lag time between them. In hindsight everything seems like a mistake. That thing I said. That deed I did. That promise I kept. That thing I didn't say. That deed I didn't do. That promise I didn't keep.

I've always avoided introspection. It was always a scary prospect. I felt that I'd look into the mirror and find out, I was not what I thought I was. But who am I kidding, this is exactly what I've known myself to be. I'd just successfully put it off this long. I'd just kept myself sufficiently distracted. I had tried my damnedest to avoid getting here. But well go on and laugh out loud, here we are.

I wish this ended better. Like almost everything I've ever written, there isn't a real structure here. There isn't anything good. Turns out my life and my writing do have a lot in common. 


  1. maybe you've set the stage for your biggest regret in the years to come. Regret.
    in which case you're outdoing yourself. (y)